Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
