If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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