I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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