If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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