I just threw up on my dentist
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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