Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
