last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
