The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
