Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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