I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
