mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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