Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
