My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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