I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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