dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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