i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
