i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
