Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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