Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
did you just send me my own nude
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
