There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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