I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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