I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
