U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
