guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
