When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
