I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
