I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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