when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
