A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
