I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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