there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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