My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
