Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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