i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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