Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You ruined the universe
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
