So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
