I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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