He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize