It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
