just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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