You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
