When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
