I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
