Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
