I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
A bitchslap is in order.
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