Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
