I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
