tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
