there's paper in my vomit.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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