Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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