I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
