This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
