You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize