I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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